Articles

You have many friends and very few living enemies.

Sheriff Chameleotoptor sighed with an air of weary sadness, and then turned to Doppelgutt and said 'The Senator must really have been on a bender this time -- he left a party in Cleveland, Ohio, at 11:30 last night, and they found his car this morning in the smokestack of a British aircraft carrier in the Formosa Straits.' -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.

The true Southern watermelon is a boon apart, and not to be mentioned with commoner things. It is chief of the world's luxuries, king by the grace of God over all the fruits of the earth. When one has tasted it, he knows what the angels eat. It was not a Southern watermelon that Eve took; we know it because she repented. -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"

The ripest fruit falls first. -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"

Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.

A classic is something that everyone wants to have read and nobody wants to read. -- Mark Twain, "The Disappearance of Literature"

There is no character, howsoever good and fine, but it can be destroyed by ridicule, howsoever poor and witless. Observe the ass, for instance: his character is about perfect, he is the choicest spirit among all the humbler animals, yet see what ridicule has brought him to. Instead of feeling complimented when we are called an ass, we are left in doubt. -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? A: A stick.

Q: "What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic existentialist?" A: "Is there a dog?"

You will be given a post of trust and responsibility.