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2017-04-27T15:09:39

Your goose is cooked. (Your current chick is burned up too!)

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2017-04-27T15:09:38

This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.

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2017-04-27T15:09:37

Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Five. One to screw in the light bulb and four to share the experience. (Actually, Californians don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs.) Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Three. One to screw in the light bulb and two to fend off all those Californians trying to share the experience.

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2017-04-27T15:09:31

There is a fly on your nose.

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2017-04-23T14:05:11

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To see his friend Gregory peck. Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground? A: To get to the other slide.

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2017-04-23T11:22:44

The mind is its own place, and in itself Can make a Heav'n of Hell, a Hell of Heav'n. -- John Milton

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2017-04-18T20:33:18

FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19 A: To be or not to be. Q: What is the square root of 4b^2?

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2017-04-18T20:33:13

I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out the lessons that they teach. Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the writing on this stone! -- Charles Dickens

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2017-04-16T21:21:20

The notes blatted skyward as they rose over the Canada geese, feathered rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim, 'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and at last I knew Pittsburgh. -- Winning sentence, 1987 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.

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2017-04-16T21:21:18

That secret you've been guarding, isn't.

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